so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
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Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve