[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
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professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
Hotels are back
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
This is the one
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.