At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
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Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
A dad and his duck
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰