My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
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I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.