Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
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The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?