When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
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Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
I just ran a .003048K
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*