In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
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My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
Word!
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.