A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
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who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
getting groceries