(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
You Might Also Like
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”