Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
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14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
Best seat on the street 😍
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share