It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
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Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Try and stop me.
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks