me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
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Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
Feels
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
Big Sex has us all fooled
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family