Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
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“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
When you try jalapeños for the first time
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out