“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
You Might Also Like
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“