Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
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By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
pelicons
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
My work here is don’t.
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
repaired
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
We are the people our parents warned us about.
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.