First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
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I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!