I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
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Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe