Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
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Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
Godspeed, John Glenn
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning