Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
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Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
Ron is short for Aaronald
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.