I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
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87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost