When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
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Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.