ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
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I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.