F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
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God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.