If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
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Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
Mmmmm white people
– sharks