Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
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Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
“Listen to your body”
My body: you’re 42, sit tf down
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
monday