Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
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[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.