Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
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god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
Peace was never an option
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
that de-escalated quickly
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early