Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
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For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn鈥檛 have unrealistic expectations.
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
I don鈥檛 care what color they are, if you have two socks, that鈥檚 a pair of socks
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
I know karate and tons of other words.
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 馃槒
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
i can鈥檛 wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn鈥檛 offed at a Hallowe鈥檈n party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”