So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
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Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
*swipes right on my hand mirror
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
Thursday
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
Canadian owl: Eh?