ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
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I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”