me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
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Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha