Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
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I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
How is it still this week?
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
This is I, Robot all over again
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
no such thing as a dumb question
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
yall want some gasoline milk
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too