A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
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[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
Name this drama.
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“