My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
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I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
🤣🤣🤣
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill