Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
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Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
The Weeknd is back
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant