All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
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Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
Planet of the Apps.
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.