Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
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My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’