“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
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Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew ✔
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
PhewThe Chosen Phew
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!