A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
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Before crowbars crows drank alone
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
I just stopped by to water my horse.
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER