I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
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I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
This a good idea
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen