Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
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accurate
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
it’s the silliest best thing
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.