Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
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Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.