If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
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It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it鈥檚 a bad thing
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
Child: I can鈥檛 wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
馃攰
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don鈥檛 know sign language…
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
#PleaseGoToChurch 馃槀馃槶
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.