Me irl
You Might Also Like
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
Realize this:
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach