[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
You Might Also Like
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect