Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
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Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
Living the best life.. 😊
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.