I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
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Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
(3:12am)
My cat: hi it’s time to walk on your face
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
choose your fighter
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds