Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
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[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
Social distancing in Australia:
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit