“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
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Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
What number SPF blocks people?
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.