A completely valid reaction tbh
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Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
Swedish for common sense.
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??